vaportrails | 2021 Mini Retrospective

[contemplative hum]

So I really kind of dropped the ball on regularly posting, didn’t I? Honestly can’t say I didn’t see this coming, but I’d hoped I would’ve at least put in a little bit more effort than one (1) measly post back in, like, June or something, jesus. But, well, what’s done is done. I’m tempted to set goals for the upcoming year to write at least one post a month but that’s probably too much to ask of me right now.

I initially wanted to document some of the stuff I dabbled in this year, and reflect on some important events, but I’ve rewritten this post two times now, and both times, I feel like… I just rambled too much. I think that’s definitely one thing I have to work on this new year: brevity. I know the only way I’ll be able to post regularly is if I ruthlessly stop myself from blabbering on for too long. I still have the drafts of my media consumption posts so I might post those eventually when I have the time to edit them, but for now… I just want to do a little smidge of self-reflection.

I’m not really looking forward to the new year. I wish I was, because historically, I’ve enjoyed the whole concept and celebratory feel of the ✨New Year✨ since I was a child, and I don’t want to blame it on aging, but I just haven’t really been feeling great about the end of the year for the past couple of years now. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t had the best holiday weekend this year, and that I also simply cannot remember much of what happened in previous years anymore, but, damn. I don’t know, I miss it. Even more so because I was looking forward to having several days off from work earlier this month. But now that I’m here, it’s pretty disappointing. Partly for reasons I can’t control, but also partly because I guess I just don’t have the energy for much of anything these days.

“The weeks are long, and the years are short.” I read that on a youtube comment two weeks ago late at night and experienced a brief but intense bout of mortal panic. Maybe it’s just the general state of the world and my fluctuating mental health, but it really does feel like the days are constantly, consistently slipping through my fingers. As dramatic as that sounds. It’s like, every year, summer just becomes more and more ephemeral. I don’t even have summer vacation anymore! It’s just a concept to me now. And I no longer quite so literally live paycheck to paycheck, but I do still live day by day, if that makes sense. I’m too anxious to set real long-term goals for myself because the future is too unpredictable for me to comfortably plan for it. And the prospect of deadlines—no matter how vague—locks me into a self-sabotaging cycle, most times. I’m also aware that my constant quest for distractions and fixations are just bandaids over whatever this bigger wound I’m nursing is, but it’s unfortunately the most effective lifestyle I’ve adopted, for now, at least.

So, traditional resolutions are out. What else is there? I was hoping by the end of this post I’d have found some sort of answer or closure for my 2021 journey. Shit feels so open-ended, man. I mean, it should, because obviously life goes on and time is a social construct anyway, so why should I force myself to “close” chapters of my life just because 12 months have gone by? I just hope things get better for me and everyone I care about in 2022 and beyond. But preferably sooner rather than later <3

Happy New Year, everyone! 🎉